My life

The world record for the most opinions in one 450-word newspaper column is 31; I reckon I can beat it.

The world record for the most opinions in one 450-word newspaper column is 31; I reckon I can beat it.

For starters, some old favourites that regular readers will know only too well: I still wholeheartedly hate mobile phones, Big Brother and tomatoes, for example, while I fervently approve of country music, chocolate and dancing.

But I am an ever-evolving ball of half-baked opinions and am this week consumed with the notions that the posh woman off The Apprentice is absolutely hateful, that passports do not need leather holders any more than bananas need yellow plastic ones, and that the cover of the new Bjork album should make everyone glad to be alive.

The following offences should be punishable with jail time: dropping litter on the streets, driving in bus lanes and assuming that a T-shirt with a bawdy message on it counts as a sense of humour. At the risk of sounding like an old man, I wince when I see young girls wearing Playboy-branded clothing. Playboy aren't clothes manufacturers; they're pornographers.

Tracks of my Tears by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles is the best song ever written, Gregory's Girl is the best film. I think The Sopranos is probably the greatest thing there's ever been on telly, but I'm willing to consider Peep Show as well.

Call me old fashioned if you will, but TV documentaries should be about unmasking great injustices going on in the world, not people with outsized body parts.

And motorists with points on their licence shouldn't bang on about speed cameras - they should drive a bit slower.

I know I should despise Tony Blair, but I think he's done some things that are all right. Perhaps I'm a foolish optimist but I think things might get better under Gordon Brown. I'm worried by how often I find myself agreeing with David Cameron.

Was it right to invade Iraq? Just as it was right to intervene to stop horrors in Bosnia and Kosovo, yes. But do I find myself despairing at what's happening there now? Yes. Am I totally confused? Yeah, pretty much (and I'm counting that as an opinion too).

My wife: great. The Daily Mail: bad. People who think running their own business makes them some kind of God are annoying, people who work in the public services deserve more respect.

Hurrah for Bill Murray, Canadians and books under 350 pages; a huge boo to celebrity magazines, pan pipes and hunting animals that you vastly outnumber.

There you go. I make that 34 opinions and I've still got enough words left to ask if anyone knows the number for the Guinness Book of Records ...

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